By Uri Geller
Special Guest Columnist
Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead… only try to realize the truth: There is no spoon. Then you’ll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
July is rapidly approaching, and like every spring, I find myself counting the days until the James Randi Educational Foundation’s “The Amazing Meeting.”
“But Uri,” you’ll say, “isn’t James Randi your mortal enemy?”
Indeed, he is. But what most people don’t realize is that, endowed with the powers of remote viewing, I attend The Amazing Meeting every year. Using the technique taught to me by the Great Guru Ingo Swann, I am able to activate my Seventh Chakra via the Enchanted Tomes of George Noory, which are engraved in Sanskrit, and commune with the spirit form of Frank Chu, who guides me toward the dimensional gateway of the 12 Galaxies.
Through this sophisticated technique, I am able to visit TAM and collect vital information on the enemy. I’m even able to eat from the buffet table in spirit form, and in 2012 I achieved an earth-shaking orgasm whilst remote viewing into Sarah Mayhew’s hotel room shower. Upon climaxing, I transfigurated lotus flowers with my spirit sperm and recreated the bathroom floor as a dewy meadow, achieving nirvana as sweet Sarah’s nude form shimmered like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens.
I’ve also…seen things. Things no man should be made to endure. In fact, I was meditating on the anima of another favorite muse (known to me as Anandmurti Guramaa, and to you as Rebecca Watson), when I was confronted with a most disturbing vision: I saw the most base bacchanalia, presided over by Evil Incarnate in the form of a white-bearded man seated on a throne of silver with a young, naked boy on each knee. “Science!” the devil breathed as he sniffed a juvenile armpit.
Then I heard anguished cries, and turned to see Three Subsequent Visions of Anandmurti Watson: In the first apparition, Guru Watson was trapped in a small enclosure, perhaps 10 feet by 10 feet, with an aggressive bear wearing a JREF t-shirt. The Guru screamed and jabbed desperately at a panel of illuminated circles on the wall as the bear asked her to coffee. In the second vision, Guru Rebecca stood atop a raised dais, imparting wisdom to a rapt crowd in a vast hall. As she spoke, green-finned serpents slithered toward her from behind, but she did not see them — not until it was too late, and the Guru was groped, grabbed and touched in other non-consensual ways.
Finally, the third apparition — men, all of them old and white, stood in judgment of Guru Anandmurti Guramaa Watson. They called the Guru a liar, and through vile sorcery interrupted her incantations of the Spell of Safe Space. Guru Watson ran screaming, and the men cackled maniacally.
Through Guru Rebecca’s tireless work, the world now knows that James Randi his JREF Minions are content to blame the victims of touching in non-consensual ways. Nay, it is not enough to blame them — Guru Rebecca has taught us that, when presented with a victim, they refuse to even acknowledge an atrocity took place! In the words of another great guru, Peeznavanda Saraswati: They do not believe the victims!
And yet now I, Uri Geller, offer truth. This is my first-hand, third-eye-witness account, based upon my experiences remote viewing into the dark corners and showers of The Amazing Meeting, where the Minions of Randi feel most comfortable being themselves because they believe no one is watching. I have remote viewed since TAM 3, ghost-walking among the attendees during the conference’s glory days, and faithfully attending on the spirit plain even the last few years, when attendance was 98% male and the banquet rooms smelled of Axe and smug.
No, I say to you, James Randi has not changed his habits of unwanted physical contact, not since the day when he touched my spoons on the Tonight Show in 1973.
Uri Geller is a psychic and Lvl. 85 Wizard who was the inspiration for the character Neo in The Matrix trilogy of films. He was gifted paranormal powers by benevolent extraterrestrials, a fact confirmed by scientists Russell Targ and Harold Puthoff of Stanford University, and has been in the employ of the FBI and CIA, using his abilities to erase KGB documents and track serial killers. He considers himself a defender of the mystic arts, an ardent supporter of Guru Rebecca Anandmurti Guramaa Watson, and the prime detester of James Randi and the rapscallions who serve as his henchmen. Mr. Geller believes James Randi is a relic of “old skepticism,” and embraces as new skeptical order headed by more prestigious modern-day skeptic leaders like Guru Watson.
REBECCA WATSON FAN CLUB 